Been over a year since my last post. Would have liked to post more, but never had the time nor discipline to. The vicissitudes of life catches up with you sometimes. As I traverse into my 30s, I sincerely wish for life best years to lie ahead. Long may I maintain the discipline and commitment required to document the highs and lows of life in my 30s, for I am certainly going to look back at these posts with nostalgia for they basically outline snippets of my life - each snippet associated richly with varying emotions - some of which long forgotten were I not to keep them on record.
2023 was preceded by a calamitous 2022 - the year of reset and transition after multi year long normalcy. 2022 was the second worst year on record after 2013 - in my life - and may it remain so. 2023 in comparison with 2022, was meaningfully better. Here are some of the highlights and lowlights of 2023 in summary.
Highs:
- TSLA opened at 10x (Jan) , closed at 248 (Dec). (My target was 250)
- We welcomed a new baby to the family
- My health improved considerably (Ended the year 26 month withdrawal)
- I went back to work (Made an extra 50-60k)
Lows:
- My wife's health deteriorated post pregnancy (withdrawal doesnt seem to be working as well as per my initially fear)
- Overwhelming work commitments (Sophia, Russell, Eric, GenieHut, 1-1)
2023 was not a linear recovery upwards, though the net progress over the year was a substantial one. Replying to my previous post, I would say that 2023 was a V shape recovery for certain aspects. Generally not a bad year, with the exception of certain blights mainly the lows stated above. .
I would give 2023 a 5.5/10 and 2022 a 3/10. For reference, 2013 deserved a 1/10.
I view my life through the lens of these 3 tenets, these basic principles I aspire to incorporate into my life.
One - Health
Having experienced 2013 & 2022, I am unequivocal in my desire for good health. Good health is the foundation and pre-requisite, for which everything else is built upon. All things in life - aspirations, dreams and goals are conditional on first having a healthy body and mind. When one is in constant pain, agony or discomfort, it becomes near impossible to chase other desires and to build something out of life. 2023 has seen an improvement in my health. I was initially very optimistic and excited about my progress thus far (TSW 2.0), and what is to come. Until a certain flare hit me hard (Oct-Dec) (dorsal of feet). It could be due to the lack of proper rest from taking care of a newborn. This flare led to me making a big big decision to try out biologics - Dupixent. I am uncertain as to how it will pan out, but we shall see. I had some initial flares upon the loading dose, but we shall see. Fingers crossed, the effectiveness of this treatment will have a tremendous impact on the quality of my life and happiness, as health is my number one priority in life. I am unequivocal on that. I pray that my health can get to where I truly envisage it to be (95% clear). The increase in happiness - should that materialize, would be immense beyond description.
Unfortunately, my wife's withdrawal does not seem to be trending in the direction we wanted. Trimester 1 was wonderful skin wise. The period thereafter, through the postpartum period was progressively worse. We have thus also decided to try out the biologics regime. It ain't cheap, but if it is able to get her health up to a 95% clearance, then the money spent is definitely worth every single penny. We both embarked on our biologics regime at the end of December - within less than a week of each other. This is probably the biggest unknown in 2024. If things turn out well, it can really be a game changer for us - and definitely a catalyst to improving my happiness significantly. We shall see..
Two - Wealth
As cliche as it sounds, it is not the wealth that matters, but the lack of. Our wealth peaked in 2021, and since then we have been playing catch up. Uncertain when we will return to the peak and/or surpass it. 2020 and 2021 were remarkable years where our wealth increased multifold. It might have been the best years (% wise) in our lifetime. 2022 was a catastrophe. 2023 wasn't exactly a V shaped recovery, as we are still about halfway from our peak - but a significant recovery nonetheless. May 2024 continue to be a good year, as we progressively see our wealth climb up. I am not expecting us to return to our peak anytime soon (maybe 2026), but a 25% gain would be good.
TSLA - 280 to 300 (That would be a target personally). Honestly, I haven't felt this way before. But the volatility over the past 2 years has really drained me much. For the first time, I am considering selling out of this stock, and just buying less volatile and lower return equities (like QQQ). We shall see. I am just tired of delaying my gratification. I don't want to delay them indefinitely. I have dreams and aspirations. I am sick and tired of putting them on hold. I am tired of doing countdowns towards a better tomorrow. I want to make tomorrow happen today. Wealth does contribute rather significantly to my happiness too (after health). Let's see what 2024 brings in terms of wealth progression. Slow and steady wins it for me.
Three- Work life balance
The intensity of my work tend to oscillate between intense and negligible over the years. 2017-2019 were really intense years, 2022 was a complete lull similar to 2014. The second half of 2023 was yet another intense period (which I regretted undertaking). One of my resolution for 2024, is to significantly reduce my work commitments, and to take it easy. I am really no longer as driven by money as I used to. I now value free time and peace to do the things I want to do. To have an empty to do list and to just wonder my way around life. I have reduced the number of weekly lessons from 14 to 8/9.
This number should be further reduced to 0, as soon as possible. My current plan is to leave MLC/Khemistry in 2026. So 2025 should see me teach only the existing sec 4 students (at most). Or I could completely leave in 2025. We shall see. But I need my sanity and freedom back. The overwhelming work experience in the 2nd half of 2023 has scarred me. I am never ever going back to that sort of life again, if I can.
Let's take it slow, enjoy the process, and not start panting along the way, that kinda sucks. The arrival of a baby also meant that there is much adapting to do. The first 3 months were not easy despite the confinement centre experience (18K) delaying our pain for a month. We adapted and circumstance is better than it was 2 months ago. But we continue to press on. May baby start to sleep through the night soon. Looking forward to the many milestones 2024 will bring for baby. May he grow up healthy and happy. May I get my life back soon too. I understand that having a baby brings with it sacrifices, that is why I am not intending to have a second one. One baby is enough.
Looking forward to travelling in Dec 2024 - I really really hope that this time round, we would really make it happen. I will be genuinely disappointed if we are unable to travel in 2024. Lastly, I continue to work my way towards simplifying my life. In a world where excess and complexities are encouraged, I standout as a sore thumb - insisting on going the other way - aspiring to remove as much clutter, commitment and frivolous endeavor as possible. The simplicities of life, the peace of mind, and the empty to do list are what I strive towards. The ability to travel anywhere, however long I want, without the constrains of work and schedule, remains my number one aspiration. May this year be a year where I make significant progress towards this long standing dream of mind.
May 2024 be a better year than 2023.
Quarter 4 (Aug 22, Sept 22, Oct 22):
Quarter 4 has on a whole been good. My skin is generally calmer. There were still ups and downs, but they average 1 week in duration. I do get prickly before and during these downtime, but overall, the intensity was so much more subdued than before. I even went twice to JB (day trips). Unfortunately, November hasn't started well. I am currently in a flare as I type this. Worst areas would be back of scrotum, fingers and arm flexure. Face and back of knee has also been a little worst than normal recently. Really hope that this dip will not last long, and will come to pass soon. At the one year mark, I feel like I am no where near where I want to be, or envisage myself to be. This is definitely not the normalize state of health and skin. I am at most in the 60% ++ recovery (adjusting for this current flare). I really hope to reach at least 70% by Jan 2023. Frankly speaking, the me one year ago, would probably have expected more healing by this stage of my TSW journey. It seems once again that I have underestimated the duration and severity of the issue. Healing takes time. One more year maybe? Dejavu much ><.
2022 has really been a challenging year. I would and could have never expected this curveball of a year. Seeing peers progress in life, only to feel left behind on the sideline once again. I would very much like to travel around the world in peace. 2022 has been a tough year, punctuated with frustration, despair, hopelessness and sadness. I really hope that 2023 will be better. If 2022 parallels 2013, then I am okay with 2023 paralleling 2014 (with a bit of a discount). I wrote in an earlier post (probably early this year) that 2022 will be a transitory year, and 2023 shall be THE year. It feels more like a case of over optimism, similar to my flawed projection back in 2013, projecting 2014 to be THE year. I rather be late, than wrong. 2014 - while not yet THE year - was much better than 2013, at least in the latter part of the year. 2015 did turn out to be THE year.
If history were to rhyme, then I am more than happy to be late but not wrong. I am now prognosticating that the first half of 2023 will be better than even the second half of 2022, and that the second half of 2023 will be so much better than the first half of 2023. 2024 will be THE year - both for wealth and health and relationships.
It's has been 12 months into this journey 2.0. May I be much much better in 12 months time. Keep the faith. Just turned 30. I truly believe that life's best moments lie ahead. May I look back at my 30s with fond memories, and being able to confidently say that I have lived life to the fullest.
Stay patient Eugene, keep doing the right things day in day out. It will pay. Trust in the Lord.
It's tough though. As of right now, I am not happy.
May this be a passing phase and it too shall pass.
Sometimes in life. You don't get what you want. The life I envisaged 4 years ago in 2019 isn't what it is today. The life I envisaged 1 year ago, isn't what it is today. At the present moment, I have an abundance of time and money, but not the health to spend them. There are so many things I would love to do, but I can't do them. It has been a frustrating year, really. 2022 hasn't been easy, and I truly hope that the worst is over, that the bottom is in, and that is is upward from here on. So many things are outside of my control, and it is difficult to acknowledge that. It is difficult to acknowledge that sometimes trying one's best is not sufficient. Sometimes, a phase of life is there to be traversed. We just have to go through it - no shortcuts. I really hope that we will be in a much much much better place in a year's time. If time will do its job, then that fact is in itself a beacon of great hope, one that I will fervently hold on to. I really am not in a place where I would like to be. May this transitory period come to pass real soon. I look forward to Jan 2024 for I believe that we will be in a significantly happier place then.
Till then, stay strong and hopeful. It won't rain forever. Better days will eventually come.
Just wanted to document all the happenings over the past few months before my memory begins to fail me, and I gradually forget details of what transpired. I would divide my experience thus far, into quarters - similar to how they report financial data for most publicly listed companies. My journey started on the 2nd Nov 2021, so the first quarter spans Nov 21 - Jan 22.
Quarter 1 (Nov 21, Dec 21, Jan 22): My symptoms started immediately upon cessation of the creams. Affected mainly my face and some parts of body. It was a truly unpleasant experience, as I once again had to experience what sick skin feels like, It has been after all many years since I last battled with this condition. It was ground zero, and I was back to the past. The flare lasted about 10 days ++ (My first major flare). I healed up pretty nicely, in time to return back to school, for the final 2 weeks of the year, before the academic year ended. I remembered returning to school as though the first flare did not happen. December was alright, but towards the end of the month, my symptoms were clearly worsening and before long, I was already in my second major flare. January 2022 was the worst period of this withdrawal thus far, period. The intensity and duration of the flare superseded the previous one. I was flaring throughout my body and face. It was tough, and I was once again thrown into the pits of despair. It really wasn't easy, even on hindsight. I braved through it, and by the end of January, the worst was over. Quarter 1 was definitely not an easy quarter. It is like being thrown into a freezing pool, after years of soaking in the warm cozy jacuzzi. On hindsight, it was the toughest to date, and hopefully will remain the toughest quarter moving forward.
Quarter 2 (Feb 22, Mar 21, Apr 22): I continued to heal in the first half of February, and by the second half of February, I would say that my skin has, once again, healed up pretty nicely. The distinct periods of flare and respite that was characteristic of my first withdrawal about a decade ago - hitherto - fitted the pattern I was experiencing. I felt reassured. Skin started deteriorating in March and April. But on hindsight, those months would constitute relatively "good" months. Quarter 2 was significantly better than the previous quarter. Rightfully so, given the nadir that Q1 was. As of today, Q2 remains the best quarter to date. Hopefully that would change soon.
Quarter 3 (May 22, Jun 22, Jul 22): Why was it only on hindsight that I found March and April to be relatively good months? Well, because May, June and July were much worst. That 3 month period felt like a slow roast in the oven. I wasn't experiencing the acute intensity of the first 2 flares - which were comparatively short-lived by the way - instead, it was the constant, never ending agony of being slowly roasted. For 3 months, I never had a respite lasting for more than a week. I had a short break in early May, early June, early July, each lasting less than 7 days. It was like a bear market rally, short-lived and non-substantial. It invariably brought me hope. Hope that the flare is finally over, and a respite is here. Unfortunately, that wasn't to be. Outside of these short breaks, skin continued to deteriorate and maintained in a bad state. Worst affect areas were armpits, shoulders, abdomen, arm flexures and even torso and chest. It was another tough quarter. Towards the end of July, things went further downhill. But thankfully, it lasted around a week, and early august, things picked up, and my skin did heal up pretty nicely for a while before dipping a little.
Quarter 4 (Aug 22, Sept 22, Oct 22): August has been characterized by episodes of dips and healing, each lasting around a week or so. I am currently going through a dip as I type this out. Hopeful that this dip won't last too long, and wont be too bad. May I get better in time for the 2 gatherings I will be having in September. I am unsure how Q4 will pan out. But I truly hope to document positive things. Fingers crossed.
Few more days to the 10th month mark. Will I get to a comfortable and stable place by the 16month? I really hope so.
In about 2 weeks time, my withdrawal journey 2.0, will have reached the 9 month mark. The past three months (April, May, June, July) hasn't been easy really. If the raging inferno phase has passed, then I am seemingly mired in the smoldering ember phase. I remember vividly - during my first withdrawal almost 10 years ago - how during the first 8 months or so, I had 3 rages. All 3 rages were characterized by distinct flares and recovery. I then had a meaningful respite of around 4-5 months. Following the respite, my experience started to diverge in that - while I was no longer experiencing rages, I was also not experiencing that remarkable post rage recovery. I become stucked in a protracted mild grade inflammation phase, where the highs and the lows were no longer as distinct as they used to be. To be clear, I wasn't comfortable, but I wasn't in a state of wreck either. I was just constantly in a state of discomfort and agony. It was not an easy experience, as I could hardly take a breather as my respite were never really meaningfully long. I termed this phase, the smoldering ember phase. It lasted around 6-7 months, before the worst was finally over. It was around 20 months, before I reached this stage, where I was on the last bend towards recovery.
I have been thinking a lot recently. Replaying the experience of my first withdrawal journey almost a decade ago. I am trying to draw parallels with my current predicament. I truly believe that I am doing this, to keep my sanity and to stay motivated. Like a long distancing race - after having traverse a fair amount of ground but still no where near the finishing line - every single step feels really tough. Approaching the 9 month mark, I feel so far from where I want to be. So far from where I used to be between 2015-2021. Despite my best efforts to - using datapoints from previous experience - infer and predict my current trajectory, the prognosis is unclear. I have had 2 distinct flares and meaningful recovery thus far. But since April 2022, I seemed to have switch course, and entered into the smoldering ember phase. In the past 3 months or so, I feel like I am in a constant state of "not good" and "seemingly quite bad", but "not a rage". My recoveries are no longer that meaningful. I had one in early June (lasted less than a week). I had another one in early/Mid July (Lasted even shorter). It is honestly very tiring and disparaging, especially so when I am not 100% certain that it is a withdrawal I am going through, as the creams I applied on 2021 were not exactly steroids.
The areas most affected this time round would be the abdomen, armpits, shoulders and apparently arm flexures hasn't been good the past few months - have been persistently red, flaky, rough and itchy. Unlike the previous experience, where the flakiness stage that proceeds a flare, often lead to smooth underlying white skin. But this time around, it seems to be red flaky instead. I really do not know how long more will this rut last. I earnestly pray that I am indeed on the right path to healing. I will never know till a later time. It previously took me around 20months (by Nov 2014) to reach a stage (80-85% healed) where life resumed some semblance of normalcy, and where the default state of my skin is calm. I still experienced flares from time to time past this stage, but they are manageable and most importantly - infrequent and lasting only weeks each time at most. I understand that getting to 100% healed may be unlikely, as progress tends towards an asymptote nearing completion. But I hope to reach the 80-85% mark soon. It is hard to be living life at my current state (55-60%).
Given the nature and duration of my steroid usage this time, expecting a faster resolution shouldn't be an unreasonable ask - I guess? I will never know. Time will tell. If I follow a similar timeline to my previous experience, I would reach the 20th Month mark in June/July 2023. That sounds sooooo faraway. May my journey be an expeditious one. I will take any discount from June/July 2023. I need hope to carry on this journey. The callous pounding is really wearing me out. I am beginning to feel the emptiness I felt back in the first half of 2014.
I am looking ahead to 2023 and beyond, where life should be - hopefully - meaningfully better. I would very much love to travel to Japan if not for my current predicament. I am trapped in my body and I don't like this. Not at all. I am sad, frustrated, defeated, discouraged. Been thinking about my dream life a lot recently. Been browsing through propertyguru. I am considering buying a nice penthouse with a private swimming pool. The life I want to live, is a life of freedom and autonomy to do the things I want to do. But I first need a clean bill of health. When will I get it back. Life as it stands - is rather meaningless.
To better days.
Honestly. 2022 hasn't been kind thus far. 6.5 months into this withdrawal journey 2.0, I feel tired, disparaged and helpless. This 3rd flare has lasted so so long - 1.5 months at the very least and still going on. This long drawn flare is really wearing me down. I pray for a respite, a real meaningful undisputed respite soon. Financial markets aren't doing well too. It's amusing how a sea of red washes away haughtiness, arrogance and pride. When all is done and dusted, it is apparent why the rich are usually rash, brash and full of themselves. They are self sufficient in most aspect of life, and therefore do not need anyone. I have so many questions. Why do I have to go through withdrawal 2.0. What is the purpose for the tribulations of 2022. Will I be able to weather this financial and health storm? What will I be doing in a years time. Where will Tesla be in a year or two's time. How will life be like in the near future. Will my dream life come to fruition? Will 2023 be better? So many questions, yet so little answer. Guess I will only know with time.
2022 was supposed to be THE year. It is amusing, when I think back on how I thought things would be in 2022 - back in 2021, while I was still teaching in MOE. I thought that a life free of work, would be a life of autonomy, bliss and peace. I envisaged my wife and I to be travelling both within and out of Singapore on a regular basis. I was ready for a life, where - since we have both reclaimed control over our time - we could finally do the things we have always wanted, wherever and whenever we felt like it. Unfortunately, our plan wasn't God's plan, at least not for now. Reality is that 2022 has been a tough year so far - not that I lament it, for I already knew what lay ahead when I realized that I had to endure another episode of withdrawal late last year.
It has been 6 months and a few days since I embarked on my second withdrawal journey. Am I getting better? I think so, but not well enough yet. I am definitely drawing a lot on my previous experience almost a decade ago. I try to see parallels between that experience then and my current experience. I have had 3 flares so far, with the second flare being the worst. I feel that I am currently towards the end of my third flare, though I can't be too sure till I am past it. First flare started almost immediately upon cessation of the creams. I started this second withdrawal on the 2nd Nov 2021 - the same day I contracted COVID and had to stay at home. The first flare started almost immediately and lasted for around 10 days ++. I went back to school by mid Nov, having recovered really well. Pretty similar to my first withdrawal, where the first flare was short and swift. Face was the most badly affected during this first flare.
I then had a relatively calm Nov-Dec period. I was frequenting the beach then, in hopes of diminishing the withdrawal symptoms. But the second flare started towards the second half of December 2021. I remembered going to Maliki's house on 31st Dec 2021, and my inner thigh was already badly wrecked. But other areas were rather alright. Jan 2022 was the worst month thus far. It coincided with my second flare, which lasted an entire month and a bit. My body was affected. Shoulders, arm pits, neck, face, inner thigh, back of thigh, back of knee among other areas. My sleep cycle was wrecked. I couldn't sleep before 5am, and couldn't sleep well for an entire month. Life was miserable - really miserable. That period coincided with the final months of our house renovation, and I am very grateful to my wife, for handling the renovation process. During this period, I felt like I had plunged back into the depths of despair. Memories of my previous withdrawal came flooding back. I was broken, and down. But thankfully, it eventually passed. Objectively speaking, the intensity was no where near what I experienced in my first withdrawal. But relatively speaking, it was tough when compared to the years of relative calm that I may have become used to over the years. Either way, I am just glad that the second flare had been braved. Chinese New Year fell on the 1st Feb 2022, and I was still coming out of the flare, and thus did not look my best.
The first half of Feb 2022 was the recovery phase, and the second half of Feb 2022 was - I would say - the best month of 2022 so far. (It is May 2022 as I am typing this). The calm after the storm they say. It was probably a deserved break after enduring the hellish January. March was generally alright, though I felt things starting to go down gradually in the second half of March (but still alright). I was still going out to shopping centres. It was in April that I really felt that things were continuing to go downhill. I cannot remember with clarity, but I would say that by 10th April or so, I am definitely in the midst of flare 3. This time, my neck, arm pits, shoulders, arm flexures, forearm, inner thighs and stomach were the most affected. It was tough but not as tough as January's flare 2. Why 10th April? Because I remember hosting a gathering with Sam and Co on the 15th April, and I was actually struggling to be happy, as I was going through the third flare. In terms of intensity, it is similar in intensity to the first flare, but more wide spread, and longer lasting. But definitely milder than the second flare. I am currently still in flare 3, but I hope that the worst of this flare is over, and I can start healing up in time.
It has been a humbling and tiring experience. 2022 hasn't been the easiest or kindest thus far. I really hope that the rest of May will be better, especially the second half of May, where I can really get my break after the storm. As for how long more, before this journey runs its course.. I just hope to be in a much better place come my 30th Birthday in Nov 2022. And while I am prepared to not be healed in 2022, I do hope that 2023 will be a much better and manageable year. I am putting a timeline of 18months to be at a place where I can be 80-90% healed. And 12-14months, for me to be 70-80% healed. May 2022 be the year where I pay most of my dues so that 2023 can truly be a better year.
Fingers crossed. I hope for blessings to come my way in the next 12 months, in terms of family, health and finance, for both me and my wife.